• is freaked out Billy Joel got married for the 4th time…His new single is “She’ll Always Be A Prenup To Me.”
  • is freaked out 140 pairs of underwear were stolen from a Victoria’s Secret…police are looking for someone who doesn’t like to do laundry.
  • is freaked out everyone is mad at The New York Times for suggesting to put peas in guacamole…”It’s all Mexico’s fault!” said Donald Trump.
  • is freaked out Whole Foods has apologized for overcharging customers…in good faith they’re giving away a package of strawberries for $84.95.
  • is freaked out Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing…mostly it’s because he would just say “I’m Batman” when asked to do the dishes.